


Let 'em talk

by imnotbuck



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Anger, Best Friends, Developing Relationship, F/M, First Kiss, Homophobic Language, Insults, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pining, Secret Crush, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-17
Updated: 2016-06-17
Packaged: 2018-07-15 14:35:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7226407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imnotbuck/pseuds/imnotbuck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything changes when Steve walks in on Bucky with a girl.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let 'em talk

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: homophobic language, brief hetero sex (literally two sentences), verbal confrontations.

The door to their room was slightly opened which gave him a wide sense of relief. When Bucky's shoes were by the door— which they were right then— and the door was closed, he'd brought a girl home. That meant Steve had to steer clear of the bedroom they shared and find something else to do until Bucky showed her out. He tried his best not to feel resentment toward Bucky on those nights but it was difficult when he was bone tired and couldn't go to sleep because of Bucky's social life.

Steve toed off his shoes and yanked off his jacket. He'd managed to get work stocking shelves and though it wasn't backbreaking like Bucky's work was it still tired him out. With his health problems being on his feet for so long wasn't easy nor was it ideal but they needed the money to stay afloat. He pushed the door open and was surprised by a feminine scream. Bucky was hovering over top of a woman in his bed, a look of shock mirroring how Steve must've looked. Steve's shock soon turned into a deep sickness. 

"Goddamnit Bucky lock the damn door!" 

"I'm sorry Stevie I didn't—" Steve stepped back and slammed the door behind him. He didn't bother to grab his shoes or his jacket, just walked outside and sat down on the fire escape. He rubbed at his eyes and resisted the urge to slam his head against the wall. 

The image of Bucky's naked body was burned into his mind like a brand. He had only gotten a brief look but artists had incredible memories when it came to images they found interesting. He'd seen Bucky naked before but never like that. He'd never seen his muscles tensed or sweat clinging to his soft skin or his hair matted to his forehead. He'd never seen him like that, and hadn't wanted to or even thought about it before then. 

Steve realized soon that the sickness inside of him was disgust bred from envy. He wanted it to be that he was jealous that Bucky had yet another girl who wanted him, was desperate for it to be as simple as that. Steve wanted to be desired like Bucky was but knew he never would be. He was sickly and hadn't learned how to carry himself like other guys did by his age. He wasn't husband material, it was okay, but suddenly he wasn't happy about it. Bucky was in there with yet another in his string of wanting dames and Steve was sitting outside by himself. 

Deep down he knew that it wasn't about the girl and it terrified him.

Half an hour later the girl walked out and stared at Steve for a second, blushed, then scurried away. Bucky stood in the doorway and though Steve felt him staring he didn't look up. He didn't want to look at him for reasons he couldn't make out properly.

"I know you're mad." Bucky said and Steve balled his hand into a fist, gripping the leg of his slacks. "I shoulda locked the door." He didn't know what to say so he didn't try. "Sorry." Bucky sighed. "Will you talk to me, pal?" 

"You done?"

"What?"

"If you're done, I'd like to sleep. That was the plan for when I came home." 

"Oh shit, you must be tired. You were workin' a long shift— sorry." Steve stood up and walked over, pushing his way past Bucky and heading to the bedroom. He ignored the dread curling inside of him and stomped over to his bed. "I'm sorry, I wasn't thinkin'." 

"Leave off, Bucky." He snapped and pulled the blanket back. "I'm not in the mood." Bucky stood motionless and silent by the door. He wouldn't allow himself to feel guilty, it was Bucky's fault that he was upset anyhow. He climbed into bed and ignored Bucky's sullen stare. 

"Night Steve." Bucky whispered and he didn't respond out of fear that his voice would crack. 

-

They never fought seriously. When they were angry with each other they'd always settle it quickly by somehow managing to joke their way out of their anger. That time, though, it was different. Bucky was going out of his way to subtly do nice things for Steve and Steve was ignoring every gesture. He didn't want to be around him because all he could see was Bucky in bed. It caused something to stir inside of him, something ugly that he couldn't bear to let out. He kept his distance from Bucky and made sure that he knew that distance was exactly what he wanted. 

"Hey, hey, Steve?" Bucky asked from the other side of the room. Steve nodded but continued to focus on buttoning his shirt. "I.. I'm goin' out tonight. Do you wanna come?" It had been a hot minute since they'd gone out drinking together and he was surprised that Bucky was asking. The last time hadn't been very fun because Steve was lonely; Bucky was getting fawned over and he was sitting there like a stick in the mud. 

"Where?"

"Jo's." Jo's was more of a dive than a bar. It was where Bucky went when he just wanted some time off and an easy night with a gal. 

"You meetin' someone?" 

"No." Steve finished with his shirt and turned. Bucky was sitting on the edge of his bed, a look of shy uncertainty dampening his normally bright features. 

"I get off at six tonight. Should have some money to spend." Ever since Steve started working they were in a better place financially so he didn't think it would hurt to have a night of fun. Bucky perked up. 

"Really? You'll come?" 

"I said I would didn't I?" Bucky grinned. 

"I'll be here and we can head out together. It'll be great Stevie, promise."

"I'm sure." 

The work day was passing by oddly slow. Steve didn't have much to do so he resigned himself to sitting at the counter with Betty. Betty was a sweet girl and very pretty. Her red hair was always soft and styled and the rouge on her cheeks was light but complimented her green eyes. Upon seeing her for the first time he'd wanted to draw her but never got the courage to ask. She was the only girl he could speak to normally and actually seemed to want to speak to him. She gave him the kind of attention that only Bucky did. 

"You know Steve, a fella like you must have a full card." She said and flipped the page in her magazine. 

"What?" She smiled kindly. 

"With your light hair and those baby blues you gotta be a real ladies man." He flushed and shook his head. 

"Never been the type." 

"Really?" She sounded sincerely surprised. 

"Yeah." 

"That's a shame, I'm sure girls would be fallin' all over each other to get to you." 

"Not really. Girls don't tend to flock to me like they do to other guys." Betty frowned. 

"I don't see why not. You're a great guy and" She blushed. "you're handsome too. They've gotta get their minds set right." 

"You think so?" 

"I know so." 

"What about you, Betty? A fine gal like you's gotta be popular." 

"The guys 'round here aren't for me. I've never been the type either." 

"Do you.." He swallowed his instinctual fear. "do you maybe wanna go dancing sometime?" She looked up at him with wide eyes. 

"You mean it?" 

"Yes, if you want to." She smiled. 

"I'd love to!" 

"Do you wanna go on Friday? I hear the music's better near the weekend." Bucky had told him that, thankfully.

"That sounds perfect. Should I meet you at the club?" 

"I'd like to pick you up if that's okay with you." She looked extremely excited and his heart raced. 

"That's more than okay with me." 

By the time Steve returned home he was walking on air. He and Betty had talked for hours about nothing and somehow managed to find out that they had a lot in common. She was perfect for him and he was actually going out with her— it was wonderful. 

Bucky was sitting on the couch, fiddling nervously with his suspenders. Steve flopped down next to him and Bucky dropped his hand, turning to face him. The look of relief on his face was surprising. "What?" Steve asked cautiously. 

"Nothin'. Thought you'd changed your mind."

"Why woulda I have done that?"

"Well you said you got off at six and it's past seven now." Steve hadn't realized that he'd stayed at work overtime. Talking to Betty had made him forget himself completely. 

"Sorry Buck. I was talkin' to this girl—"

"What girl?" 

"Betty from work." 

"You never mentioned a Betty." There was a foreign edge to his voice that Steve chose to ignore. 

"She works the register, real nice gal. We're goin' out this Friday." Bucky stiffened. 

"Like a date?"

"Yeah— we're goin' dancing at the Crown." 

"You don't know how to dance." 

"Said she'd teach me." Bucky didn't say anything for a while. 

"Sounds swell." Bucky stood up and dusted himself off. "We goin' or what?"

"What's got you so worked up?" 

"Nothing." Bucky's voice was clipped and didn't resemble his normal voice at all. He sounded viciously mad and a little bit hurt. "Let's go before all the dames get swept away." 

"Thought you weren't meetin' someone."

"We'll see how the night goes." 

Drinking with Bucky when he was mad wasn't fun. He became closed off and drank much more than he normally would've. Steve barely recognized him when he reached passed the point of just being drunk and hit belligerent. He was never mean to Steve but he was definitely unpleasant. 

"Slow down Buck." Steve said after Bucky's fourth drink. "You'll hurt yourself." 

"M'fine." Bucky said and waved him off. "Don't need a keeper." Steve sighed. 

"You act stupid when you're drunk." 

"Think I'll find a gal tonight, maybe two." Steve couldn't deny how much that hurt him. 

"Should I keep away from home?" 

"I'll go with them."

"Buck—"

"— leave you the house to yourself, call Betty." He sneered. "Have some fun Stevie." 

"Is this really about Betty?" He couldn't believe it. Was Bucky actually angry at him for having a date when he had so many himself?

"Don't give a fuck 'bout that harlot." Steve glared at him. 

"You don't even know her so don't go callin' her names!" 

"She doesn't know you but she's goin' out dancin' with ya. Bet she wants a quick screw Stevie." 

"So she couldn't just like me?"

"She don't know you!" 

"Do you know everything about all the dames you fuck?" 

"Least I know a little." 

"Man I don't know how you get anyone. You're a piece of work." 

"If I'm a piece a work tell me why you make eyes at me so much." Steve swallowed the bile that rose in his throat. Bucky didn't know a thing because he wasn't Bucky anymore. He was just another guy who wanted to hurt him for the fun of it. He blinked back the stupid tears that burned his eyes. 

"Go home with anyone you want so long as it isn't me." He shoved away from the bar and got to his feet properly, hoping that he wouldn't fall. 

"You're leaving?"

"Go fuck yourself." Steve walked home by himself, head hung low and shoulders hunched. No one so much as glanced at him and he was angry because he did want a fight right then. He wanted something to numb the ache in his chest that Bucky had caused with a few well placed words. 

Bucky stumbled back into their bedroom way past two in the morning and Steve turned his back on him. Bucky walked over to Steve's bed and sat down on the edge. 

"M'sorry Steve." Bucky sounded slightly more sober. "I didn't mean it."

"Get off and go to sleep."

"I say stupid stuff when I'm drunk." Bucky practically whimpered. "Please don't be mad." 

"Go to sleep." Bucky laid behind him wrapped his arm around Steve's waist, holding him tight to his chest. Steve smelled the perfume coming off of him and he wanted to throw up. "Get off." 

"Forgive me Stevie, please." Bucky nuzzled the nape of his neck and he snapped. He turned and pushed him with all of his strength, knocking Bucky to the floor with a loud crash. Hitting the ground seemed to knock the rest of the alcohol out of his system. Thank god for cheap beer.

"Do not fucking touch me." 

"Stevie, honey,"

"I'm not one of your girls so don't hug me and don't call me honey. Right now I'm barely your friend." 

"I, I, I'm so-sorry." 

"I have work in the morning." He said with a tone of complete finality and turned away.

-

Because of Bucky's work schedule they didn't talk about the fight until Friday. Steve wasn't working and Bucky had an afternoon shift which gave them the entire morning to talk. As soon as Bucky walked into the kitchen Steve closed himself off and made it clear that he didn't want to talk. Bucky, being himself, ignored that warning and came over to him. 

"I'm a jackass." Bucky said quietly. "I said some really mean stuff and I didn't mean it. I'm sorry." 

"It's been and gone." 

"I screwed up and I really am sorry, Steve. I was.. I was unfair and I shouldn't have taken my anger out on you." 

"Forget it." Bucky put his hand on Steve's shoulder and he jerked away. "Don't touch me." 

"I'm so sorry."

"You were a real jerk to me and I'm not puttin' up with that. You even called Betty a name and you haven't met her once." 

"I'll meet her now." He blurted and then nodded to himself. "Yeah, I'll meet her now."

"Why would you do that?"

"I think it's only right that I meet my best friend's girl. Gotta make sure she's a keeper."

"That ain't really your concern."

"I don't want you to get hurt."

"As if you're the best one to keep that from happening." Bucky took a sharp breath in. 

"You know I don't want anything to happen to you."

"You're not meeting her because you don't need to. What I do isn't your business." He could feel Bucky closing off and growing cold, his fight weakening. 

"I just.. I wanna be okay again." Steve sighed. 

"I don't make eyes at you." Bucky stared at him in silence. "You know I don't, Bucky. Why would I make eyes at you? I'm not a fairy."

"I know."

"So don't call me one."

"I never did." He closed his eyes in frustration. Bucky didn't have to say the words, Steve felt the accusation and was ashamed that he hadn't noticed before. "Even if you are, don't matter to me. You're my best fella, my friend." Tears stung his eyes and he fought them away. 

"I'm not a fairy. I like dames; I like Betty. I like Betty and I wanna go dancing with her and maybe kiss her and that's that. I don't want a guy— I don't make eyes at you." 

"You want her to be your first kiss?" Bucky sounded distant. 

"Maybe I do."

"Shouldn't it be with someone you care about, Steve? You don't get that back. You can't.. you have your first kiss and it's gone."

"Your first kiss was in grade school with a girl whose name you don't remember." He pointed out stiffly.

"That's my point; it shoulda meant something." Hearing Bucky sound like that made him want to curl into a ball and hide. It wasn't fair that Bucky was in the wrong and he was still the one feeling guilty. 

"I'm not a fairy." It was all he could bring himself. 

"I—I don't think you are. I think, I think that you— maybe you don't just like dames—"

"Shut up." 

"Maybe you made eyes at me without meaning to but—"

"I said shut up!" His voice boomed and he shook with rage. "I didn't make eyes at you, right now I don't even wanna look at you! You can't fuck any dame that moves and then tell me that because I don't I'm a fag!"

"I didn't mean it like that!"

"You're not meeting Betty because you'll fuck it up. You fuck everything up!" Steve pressed his palms into his eyes to keep his tears back but it was useless. Tears pooled against his skin and slipped free. "I'm not a fag! I don't get why you want me to be so goddamn bad!" 

"Oh, shit, don't cry. Steve— please don't cry." 

"Leave me alone!"

"Don't ask me for that." Bucky begged. "I can't leave you like this."

"Go away, James. Get the fuck away from me now!" He shouted at the top of his lungs. He sat down on the floor and cried so hard that he didn't hear Bucky leave. 

-

Steve pushed the fight out of his mind and picked Betty up right on time. When she smiled at him he felt better and normal. They made it to The Crown right when the music was getting going and slipped inside. There were more people there than he'd expected but he didn't mind when Betty slipped her hand into his. 

"I'm so excited." Betty said and flashed her pretty smile at him. "I've been waiting all week for this." 

"Yeah?" She nodded. "Me too." Betty blushed and he led her out onto the crowded dance floor. "Still gonna teach me how to dance?"

"Definitely!" 

The music was upbeat and funner than anything he'd ever heard. He never went dancing and couldn't believe what he'd been missing out on. Betty was patient and sweet about his two left feet and still managed to make his stumbling around fun. She made him feel dizzy with happiness and warm from the inside out. He really did like her, there was no doubt about it. They danced through five songs before Steve had to take a break. They made their way to an empty table and sat down close to each other.

"You're a real good dancer." Betty said and smiled.

"'Cause you're a great teacher. Thanks for givin' me lessons."  
"Now you can use those moves on all the girls." 

"What if I only wanna use them with you?" Her cheeks turned rosy and he grinned from ear to ear. "You're a thrill, Betty." 

"You, you mean it?" He nodded and reached over to hold her hand. She stared at their clasped fingers and squeezed gently. 

"I really like you, Betty." She opened her mouth to respond but Bucky's voice came out. 

"Steve!" Steve snapped to attention and he saw Bucky making his way over to them. He wasn't sure if seeing him inspired hurt or anger, maybe it was both. Bucky slid into the chair across from them and his eyes fell to their hands on the table. "Ah, you must be Betty." He said and smiled but it was stiff. "Steve talks up a storm about you." Her eyes widened and she smiled brightly. It was so easy to make her happy and he envied that. "I'm James Barnes, Steve's friend." Why did friend sound so bitter?

"Nice to meet you James." 

"I saw you two dancin'. Betty, you must be a real Saint if you can teach Stevie here how to dance. He's got two left feet that wrap around each other."

"I didn't see that tonight at all. He's really good!" Bucky's jaw set. 

"When we were kids I tried ta teach him but he was always clumsy. Poor kid tripping over himself."

"I'm right here." Steve said and glared at him. 

"I know Stevie." 

"Stevie?" She asked curiously. "That's so cute." 

"Yeah, I've called him that since we were kids. He doesn't really like it too much when other people try it out." 

"Well friends are special like that."

"Normally I have to drag him outta the house. He's a real drag sometimes, but when he gets goin' he's the best guy around. All the ladies want him, I'm sure of it, and he chose you." Bucky smiled but it was similar to a single bulb lighting up a pitch black room, only illuminating some and leaving the rest in shadow. "You're a real swell couple."

"Thank you." She said and leaned against Steve a little. "He's a fine gentleman."

"M'glad someone else gets to see that now. Normally just me who sees the stuff behind scrappy Steve Rogers." 

"It's getting late." Steve said and forced the urge to deck Bucky down. "I should get you home before your folks start to worry." 

"Okay Steve." 

"Hey! If you're walkin' I'll come with ya. Sound good, Betty?" She looked a little disappointed but nodded anyway. 

"Sure James, that'd be fine." 

The walk back to Betty's house was short and quiet. Bucky was sticking right beside them and Steve could feel his eyes on him quite a few times but said nothing. He was furious at him because he'd specifically said that Bucky wasn't meeting her but he'd went against him. It was clear that Bucky didn't care about what he wanted. When they reached Betty's house Bucky hung back on the street and Steve walked her to the door. 

"I had a great time." She said and bit her lip. "Maybe we can do it again sometime?"

"Definitely." He wanted to kiss her but it felt wrong with Bucky standing a few feet away. Bucky had kissed plenty of girls around him but he couldn't bring himself to do it. "I'll see you at work." 

"Bye Steve." She said and walked into the house. Steve walked back onto the street and right past Bucky. He heard Bucky scramble to catch up and pushed himself to almost a run. After a few minutes his lungs hurt but he continued. 

"Stevie, don't run, you'll get sick." Bucky grabbed him by the arm and pulled him to a halt. He didn't bother fighting and didn't look at him either. "You're mad." 

"You don't say."

"I forgot you were gonna be there and when I saw you I had to come over." 

"You were a real cad tonight." He said and started walking again. "You knew we were gonna be there but ya went anyway."

"She seems keen." 

"I'll be surprised if we go out again because of you. I didn't even get to kiss her! She wanted me to and I couldn't because of you!"

"I didn't stop you, Steve. I stood back and looked away."

"You shouldn't have been there in the first place." 

"She likes you and that ain't gonna change 'cause of me. If it does maybe she ain't right for you."

"In case you haven't noticed not many gals are asking me out. If you chased Betty away I might not get another chance!"

"You'll get another chance."

"I'm not you, Bucky. I'm not a catch, I'm sick and small. Betty was my only shot at being normal for once."

"You are normal. You're the best guy I know— anyone would be lucky to call you their's."

"I hate you right now." Bucky made a noise similar to a sob.

"Don't—don't say that. You don't mean it, do ya? You don't hate me right?"

"You're tryin' to punish me for something I haven't done. You get to go out with girls and do whatever you want but someone shows interest in me and you've gotta take it away! Why?"

"I don't know."

"Tell me why the fuck you're treating me like this!"

"I don't know!" 

"I'm moving out." 

"What?"

"It'll take me some time to get a place but I'm gone. I can't be around you anymore." 

"You can't just leave me!" Steve rounded the corner and sprinted toward their block. "Please Steve!" He ran up the stairs and took his key out of his pocket, his hands trembling. Bucky came up behind him just as he got the door open and Steve practically fell inside. "You can't go, Steve." Bucky said and leaned against the door. "You can't leave." 

"We're drivin' each other batty." 

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry— I'll do anything you want, whatever changes you need I'll do. Just don't leave me!"

"You say sorry but keep playin' games. I can't put up with this anymore." 

"You're all I have." He gasped. "Please don't go, please."

"Stop." Bucky grabbed him by the shoulders and stooped down to look him in the eyes. Bucky looked like he were about to start wailing. "Let me go."

"I'm goin' crazy and I don't know why. I—no, no I know why but I don't understand. I can't think Stevie. I don't get it, I don't know why I'm doin' any of this." 

"Bucky—"

"I don't wanna lose your or hurt you but I can't breathe when I think of you with anyone else. It's awful, the worst feelin' in the world." 

"Stop it." He whimpered, terror filling him. "You can't say that. It's not right Bucky."

"Don't you think I know that? I know and I'm scared, Stevie! I see you and all I can think is nobody's good enough for you. Nobody deserves you and I don't wanna let them even try to have you."

"You have to stop. Stop before you say something you can't take back." He was quickly approaching frantic. If he were younger he would've covered his ears and made any noise to drown Bucky out but he couldn't. He was fighting himself hard, being yanked in too many different directions.

"I don't know what's wrong with me but something is. Has been for years." Bucky's voice rose with panic. "All of them— those dames, they don't do anything for me." 

"Shut up."

"I keep trying and trying but it's pointless. It's like I'm made of stone 'cause when I'm with them I don't feel anything. I feel more when you're chewing me out than I do when I screw them." Steve searched his face for signs of a lie but found none and it was terrifying. "Nobody makes me feel the way I feel when I'm with you." 

"Please, please, please just stop. You're babbling, this doesn't mean anything." 

"Lately they've been lookin' like you." Bucky whispered. "No, that ain't right. No one looks like you. But I try to find some that I can pretend with. When you came in I thought I was dreaming. I only stayed because after seeing you there I pictured you so clearly." Steve's entire body shook with fear. It wasn't possibly; Bucky couldn't want him that way and he certainly couldn't want him back.

"You don't mean that." 

"I need you Steve. I know you think it's because we're pals but it's never been that for me. I just.. Steve I lov—"

"Don't. Don't Bucky— don't say it." Bucky stared at him in silence, tears flowing down his cheeks. Steve's heart crumbled inside of his chest. 

"Is it so bad to love you?" Bucky whimpered. "Am I a loon for wanting you?" 

"I'm not a—"

"A fairy." Bucky said and nodded. "Not like me."

"You're not a fairy!" 

"I don't want girls or even other men, I just want you." 

"You can't." Bucky let go of his shoulders and put his head in his hands. 

"I know you don't want me, I fucking know. You want Betty and I don't blame you, I can't blame you for wanting a gal who's pretty and nice. All I am—all I am is a disgusting fairy. I'm a fairy, a fruit, a fucking fag." He dropped to the ground and curled in on himself, sobbing. Steve gaped for a second then knelt down in front of him. He didn't know what he could do to comfort him. 

"Don't talk about yourself like that."

"I ain't good." He whimpered. "I ain't—I won't—you should leave. You should leave and not come back. Don't let me ruin you." 

"You couldn't ruin anything even if ya tried. You're a good man, Buck. You'll make a good husband one day." 

"I don't want that! I'm—I, I, I'm not right. I'm not right Steve and I've never been right!" Bucky shouted and yanked hard on his hair.

"Stop it!" He grabbed Bucky's hands and held onto them tightly. Bucky was breathing heavily and shaking like a leaf, his eyes wide with terror. "You're fine, you're great Buck. There ain't nothing wrong with you." 

"Nothing makes any sense. All I can do is push you away because I fuck everything up." He cried. "That's what I do; I fuck up everything." He cringed at the reminder of what he'd said. "I didn't mean to hurt you or Betty or any of them girls. I didn't mean to be like this." Steve did the only thing he could think of and hugged him. Bucky leaned against him for a minute before stiffening. "Don't!"

"Why?"

"Because—'cause it don't mean the same thing to me. When you hug me I can pretend like it's more, like you want me. It's wrong, I'm wrong." Steve held Bucky as tightly as he could.

"If you're wrong." He whispered and started to rock Bucky back and forth a little. "If you're wrong then I'm wrong too."

"You're not, Stevie. You're not like me."

"Listen; I.. I've wondered about you since I walked in on you and that girl. Maybe I thought about it before that. But, but Buck I still wonder. I was mad that night 'cause it wasn't fair that you always had someone when I felt so alone without you. I wanted you to feel the same." 

"You're not playing?"

"No, I'm not." Bucky rested his head on Steve's shoulder. He could feel Bucky's tears seeping through his shirt but didn't say anything. Bucky gripped the back of his shirt tight in his fists and his body shaking sobs turned into quiet cries. He wanted to know what he could do to help and take his pain away but there really wasn't anything to do. There would always be pain there. 

"I've never.. I've never said it out loud before." Bucky whispered softly. "Hoped that if I kept it hush it'd all go away." 

"Sorry." 

"I'm not gonna make you do anythin'." Bucky said. "You don't have to even think of this after tonight. We can—we can go back to how it used to be. You can go dancing with Betty and I'll keep trying to fix this." 

"I don't wanna do that."

"You don't?"

"No. I don't know how this'll work but I don't feel like ignoring this anymore. It's pointless." He ran his fingers though Bucky's hair and sighed. 

"I didn't want you to kiss her 'cause you shoulda been my first and I shoulda been yours." Steve's chest swelled and he nodded. "Wanted that from the start."

"Can I.. can I kiss you, Buck? It's a bad time considering.. but I'll talk myself out of it otherwise."

"If you're not all in you don't gotta kiss me."

"I want to." 

"You sure?" 

"Yes." Bucky adjusted himself so that they were looking at each other. His lips were raw from being bitten and his eyes were puffy from crying but he was still so handsome. "You're a sight, Buck." Bucky sniffled and knocked his shoulder. 

"Shut up punk." Steve touched Bucky's flushed cheek with his palm and ran his thumb across a tear track. "M'sorry." 

"Don't be." Steve leaned foreword and brushed his lips against Bucky's slightly. It was the slightest touch but Bucky gasped in pleasure. "That okay?"

"God—yes, Stevie. That's good, real good." He kissed him again but planted his lips firmly against Bucky's. They sat there unmoving for a minute before Bucky opened his mouth. Steve licked Bucky's lower lip and slid his tongue into his mouth, Bucky moaning and leaning against him. Steve explored his mouth with gentle strokes of his tongue and made Bucky moan again. "Stevie, you've never kissed anyone before?" Bucky sounded utterly breathless.

"No." He said and grinned. "Was it good?"

"Damnit, punk. You're a natural."

"That so?" He kissed Bucky again. Bucky sighed and kissed back, slow and soft. They didn't part until Steve's weak lungs screamed for breath and once they did Bucky started running his thumb along Steve's swollen bottom lip. 

"I'm gonna let you decide what you want without interfering. If you want Betty, that's, it's okay. If you want me that's great. But it's up to you Stevie."

"You're my fella, Buck. I think Betty's figured that out by now."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." He kissed the tip of Bucky's nose and made him blush. 

"Do you, do you love me?" 

"Yes." Bucky smiled and it was radiant and pure. "I do; I love you, jerk."

"Say it again."

"I love you." Bucky's eyes crinkled as his smile widened.

"One more." Steve laughed.

"I love you." Bucky fell back and pulled Steve on top of him. 

"I won't do anything stupid anymore."

"You better not or I'll tear you a new one." Bucky chuckled. 

"You got it darlin'."

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on [tumblr](https://fuckyfarnes.tumblr.com/)


End file.
